After G's amazing post here she challenged us to post a photo of ourselves when we felt beautiful, epic or Galactically Bad A** (GBA) here. [If you don't follow G over at Neurosis of the Stay at Home Marathoner of 3 (Kids), you really should.] I'm trying to think of a time when I feel GBA. I do regularly when I'm out running, but I run by myself and don't snap photos. Then I think of times when I'm not running and I might feel beautiful. The thing is, I don't feel beautiful and I don't think of myself as beautiful. I'm normal, run of the mill normal. There are times when I do feel pretty but let's face it, that's rare. I have struggled with self-esteem my whole life. I have three brothers and five male cousins. I've always been a tom boy. Tom boys are not pretty. Tom boys don't get dates to the prom. Tom boys scare the boys away in high school and college. That has been my life. I can honestly say that age 32, I am the most feminine I have ever been. Shocking since I live in a house full of testosterone!
I guess you could say that I fail this challenge G, I'm sorry. I am posting a picture of me when I felt ugly, fat and worthless. St. Patty's Day 2009. Before I started running. Both boys were in preschool (aka home most of the day making messes). My husband worked a lot (still does). I colored my hair trying to look pretty but the colors were too light and unflattering. When I posted this picture on FB in '09, I had to crop out the massive gut that was protruding in the picture. I have hated this picture since the day it was taken because it was so unflattering. As I look at it now, I still see those unflattering traits that I saw before. But I also see a happy mom with two beautiful little boys. I love how N is looking at me with admiring and loving eyes. I love L's goofy four year old smile. Someday I'll be able to look at this picture and find beauty in myself. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll remember how unhappy I was and how I turned that unhappiness around. Only time will tell.
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